31 July 2013 @ 02:00 am
1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them. okay

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message. who the fuck cares sometimes that's all you can do. it's better than being a no-show no-nothing isn't it?

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. i'm pretty sure it's safe to say there are some things i don't have to try to knock. just saying.

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck. i don't owe him/her shit. cute sentiment, but it doesn't work. not sayin' i wouldn't give them a buck, but i don't OWE it to them.

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government. "we?" that is so pretentious when it refers to football teams, sorry. you didn't do shit. the people on the field did. SORRY. government though? sure okay if you want to.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it. no shit. unless, you know, the secret is something you NEED to share. duh.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’. wat.

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. no shit.

9. Don’t dumb it down. I hate this phrase. dumb it down if you need to in order to make yourself understood. if you're talking to a six year old, and you speak like a super intellectual pretentious punk--for the love of God DUMB IT DOWN.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut. does anyone legit give a fuck if people don't notice their new haircut? half the time i dont' notice for like a week.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack. no, if i'm staying somewhere for a week, i'll stay packed if i feel like it

12. Never park in front of a bar. decent

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly. but this always presents fun awkward moments of other idiots apologizing.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend. unless you don't have fish or your first boyfriend was a douche. again, cute sentiment, not actually an important thing ever. especially if you don't care about material things--who cares about your first car? (/totally has pictures of all of my vehicles)

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard. if I want to, okay. if i don't, then no. sometimes your heroes can be heroes for very small, specific reasons. that doesn't mean they as people (or characters, or whatever) have to be held to super high impossible standard seriously this is shit advice.

16. A suntan is earned, not bought. RUDE.

17. Never lie to your doctor. I'll lie to my doctor if I feel like it. If he asks "How are you today," and I say "fine," even though I consider saying, "Actually I feel like total fucking shit?" Yeah, pretty sure it's okay to lie there. Maybe don't lie about health questions, because sometimes that can fuck up a diagnoses? Sure. "Use common sense at the dr. office."

18. All guns are loaded. Especially nerf guns, watch the fuck out.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know. this is stupid, people love the attention sometimes and occasionally there is a great story. one time I got a horrible sunburn from standing around cedar point in lines all day. watched a lady faint from heat stroke in front of me. good times. by that I mean WHY WAS I STANDING IN LINE FOR ROLLERCOASTERS THAT KEPT BREAKING DOWN. (srsly, millennium force: 4 times in 3 hours. I did leave that line.)

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once. uhh...sure.

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year. I do this every day--WHEN I AM SLEEPING.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good. This is stupid advice. God forbid one day I eat only bread. OH NOES.

23. A handshake beats an autograph. Not on ebay it doesn't.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out. I agree unless it's your own house and you and one other person are there in the doorway then who gives a fuck. in public though, srsly, in or out.

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short. damn straight. look hot.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature. HAHAHAHAh no what makes you unique is often what ONLY PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW YOU see.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event. always good advice, just in case it looks like shit.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets. you mean a mattress, not sheets. good sheets won't help your body if you have a straw mattress just sayin. but yes don't buy shit tires and shit shoes those are your feet TAKE CARE OF THEM buy comfortable good for you shoes, esp if you stand all day at work

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it. unless you feel like it then do it.  i totally did this because IT WAS WHERE I WAS MOST COMFORTABLE. this is true at home, too.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends. true enough, that can get annoying.

31. Eat lunch with the new kids. if they don't look completely crazy, yes.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you. wat.

33. It’s never too late for an apology. Depends on the person you're apologizing to.

34. Don’t pose with booze. This is prudent advice because if your facebook picture is of you with beer I automatically decide that you think beer is just THAT important and I don't want to be your friend.

35. If you have the right of way, take it. THIS IS SHIT ADVICE OMG. Just because you have the right of way doesn't mean you shouldn't still YIELD. BE FUCKING CAREFUL. Yeah, I am looking at YOU, asshole pedestrians.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname. HAHAH bitch too fucking bad I did.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family. Unless they hate their family and then you don't.

38. Never push someone off a dock. That's rude.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Good advice. I've been asked this way too many times because I wear a lot of shirts that look like maternity shirts and uhhh my belly gets big when I eat.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it. Okay I'm going German/Native American/French/English on your asses. Whatever that means. Also I'm taking Pennsylvania for myself.

41. Don’t make a scene. Unless you're writing a book then you need lots of scenes.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best. Yeah nobody actually gives a shit they just want the free food.

43. Know when to ignore the camera. /eyeroll

44. Never gloat. I hate this idea that we can't gloat about what we're fucking good at. That's stupid.

45. Invest in good luggage. Or shit luggage if you don't travel a lot. Or a duffel bag if that's all you need. Who gives a shit about "good" luggage if you're not a traveling fiend?

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too. Sure. But I like my mom. So.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser. Do people guess that much? Whatever.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp. Unless it's polite. Seriously. I can be like, "Sorry your fish died," and legit not give a fuck about the fish or the random person telling me about the fish, but it's still a polite thing to say instead of "why the fuck are you telling me this."

49. Give credit. Take blame. And take credit. But yeah, wow, who would have thought that advice would tell you take blame for shit. world is full of "nothing is ever my fault" icists.

50. Suck it up every now and again. Dicks or ...? I hate advice to "suck it up" because it's not a universal thing. Sometimes you shouldn't just "suck it up" and other times "that's just life" but it's different for everyone ARGGHHHHH

51. Never be the last one in the pool. who the fuck cares, pools are for chumps anyway

52. Don’t stare. uhmmm i'll fucking stare if I want? what can't I stare at? good art? other people? only handicapped people? the store shelves? the menu? seriously.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally. including your redneck neighbor that shoots at your dog. don't forget.

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once. yeah, you might get killed. seriously? this is shit advice. "have common sense" is better.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking. fuck you if i want to talk circles around everything i fucking will YEAH INTERNET POWER

56. Admit it when you’re wrong. not bad advice.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done. not bad.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them. unless you're phobic and then don't force yourself into a panic attack.

59. Thank the bus driver. only if they're cool like mine was.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table. unless you feel like it.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. unless you don't feel ready to, yet.

62. Know at least one good joke. life is a joke. HAHAHAHAHA okay seriously this is stupid.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son. Booing is for fun on sports teams, shut up.

64. Know how to cook one good meal. sandwiches are a meal right. /kidding

65. Learn to drive a stick shift. some fuckers should not be allowed within a hundreds yards of a stickshift NO NO NO NO NO. Learn to drive auto you annoying shitty drivers, and ONLY BUY AUTOMATIC CARS FOREVER. (Sticks are going out anyway, except for fancy sports cars, mostly.)

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime. wat. just "be nice to people/don't be a douche."

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself. yeah, but most people don't want to.

68. Dance with your mother/father. fuck no.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work. too late.

70. Always thank the host. yeah.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late. i wish more people would heed this

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes. only if you plan to buy them clothes. otherwise it doesn't fucking matter.

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt. unless you're not wearing a bra. might want a hoodie for that.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. WHAT I DIDN'T HEAR THEQUESTION WAS TOO BUSY TALKING

75. Keep your word. okay. unless you have to break it. then text. :B

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately. Depends on the class as to if you'll want to do this. It also depends on the professor. Sitting up front in my 400 person science lecture? made it so I didn't have to let them see my ID to turn in my exams. (aw yeahhhh it's so ugly omg) sitting up front in discussion classes? makes you a surefire target to get called on. sit where you're fucking comfortable.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months. if she'll let you.

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs. true enough.

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie. HAHAA good advice. the talker is always fun to hear though. "NO RUN AWAY GURL WAT U DOINNNN" (when I saw "The Lovely Bones" had great commentary behind me was a great day)

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower. this is asshole advice. EVERYONE likes EVERYONE WHO SHOWERS. Nobody likes smelly gross unshowered people. For fuck's sake.

81. You are what you do, not what you say. what you do, say, believe, think, etc. you are more than one word. sometimes you believe something is wrong but you can't go out and do something about it, but just because you didn't do anything about it doesn't mean you don't believe--fuck what am I even saying

82. Learn to change a tire. legit. more important? learn to change your own fucking oil. And memorize what kind of oil filter you use. PH3387A!

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them. duhhh

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it. I don't like my living grandparents. So no.

85. Don’t litter. duh.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important. or her girlfriend. my sister never asked me my advice really. just wanted me to say I liked them no matter what, but if I didn't, she'd just tell me how wrong I was anyway. lawl.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest. no you can't.

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm. This is solid advice. Unless you know it's okay. I find it rude otherwise. (Unless it's an emergency.)

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly. Stupid ass advice monopoly is not life sorry.

90. Make the little things count. yeah, like that awesome fudge I had the other day. too bad it's gone now.

91. Always wear a bra at work. but not to church if you don't feel like it. WHAT?

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it. too bad that line is different for everyone!

93. You’re never too old to need your mom. there's a fine line between "needing" your mom and NEEEEDDDDING her.

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill. This is bullshit advice. Fuck you.

95. Know the words to your national anthem. Except it doesn't actually matter.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone. No it's not. Fucking terrible advice.

97. Smile at strangers. Don't do this unless you're a smiles-at-everyone kind of person. You might just look like a weirdo.

98. Make goals. I'm gonna be an astrophysicist YEAHHHHH didn't say I had to make them legit able-to-be-met goals dammit.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime. this wording is poor. your age is not dictated by your bedtime? good. or i'd be a teenager.

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard. Bad advice also. This means you started it. In some places that gets you fired/arrested/charged/suspended/expelled. Seriously.

— a high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words

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