21 September 2012 @ 12:54 am
I seriously cannot sleep. I hate it when this happens. I have to be up in five hours, too. -_-

Anyway, my entry re: changing my major was 50% joking. English Education is a major I've wanted for a while, but it wouldn't hurt me to switch it to history if it turns out I'm bad at English. You see, I'm a CREATIVE WRITER, and I've never been good at writing things in any other fashion. I've never had to write a paper before--and I mean ever, my entire life, I've never written any essays, short-paragraph responses, nothing-- and it hurts to see that I failed the first important thing I had to do. And this paper was for Sociology, which is even worse. (The GTA is an English major, though. Which annoys me.) What I did wrong was:

1.) Didn't tie in with the word "I", I guess. I hate using I in a paper that's supposed to be "professional". It makes it sound more like a personal essay, not a paper defining sociology! -_- But whatever.

2.) When the professor said he wanted a title page with all of the info on the front (professor, section, class, etc), I assumed this meant he didn't want them on the first page. WRONG.

3.) There are two circled numbers (1 and 2) around two different citations but I have no idea what those mean, so I'll email the GTA and ask. I'd have asked after class but a.) I was too upset, and b.) I had to be in lab in five minutes and since 95% of the class failed their papers, too, they were all crowded around down there. (It's most people's last class.)

I know how to fix this one but ugh, it still sucks. And to make it worse, I have other assignments due that I just don't think I'm going to do well on. So far I'm failing at critical analysis (which is apparently what this shitty English class is about). I really do not get it. I think the point is to look at something and try to make it sound as horrible as possible? She sent us a student paper about an advertisement and the person picked out a picture of Toby Keith selling a Ford truck and said it was racist because Toby Keith is white, wearing a white hat, and he's in a rural setting. All you can see is the corner of a barn and a sliver of a green yard. But this person went deep into analyzing how racist this ad was and I JUST COULD NOT SEE IT. The paper sounded so damn pretentious is almost made me sick. I mean REALLY? This is the SHIT I have to write? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MY LIFE.

So my first English assignment is to pick an ad and write an analysis on it. WHAT AD? I HAVE NO IDEA. I don't know where to even FIND an ad. Guess I'll look in the Sunday paper. (Has to be a printed ad. Current, not old, iirc.) I should pick an ASPCA ad.

And then my next Sociology paper has to be about a song?? I have no idea what it's really about. But we pick a song and write about it related to sociology or something. I'm going to fail this one hard, I just know it. Hopefully we can have the GTA look it over first; I'll write it early and see about that.

My first exam in Dynamic Earth is tomorrow--technically today. I'll probably ace it or something because fate is cruel like that. Do great at classes I always did awful at in high school, sure. Do shitty in everything I feel I should be doing well in. Yay. -_-


This school crap is just overwhelming. I'm not used to this, and I can barely keep up. I don't regret taking French but I regret taking all these classes because I don't get a weekend and I'm struggling in French because I've lost my ability to memorize ANYTHING it seems. :/ Plus class once a week is really hard to keep up with. Lots of study-by-yourself time which I don't do well with and argghhhh. Exam for this on Saturday, which...yeah, probably going to semi-fail.

I'm just going to plow through and get all this shit over with.

So much for trying for all As. I'll be lucky if I can get Cs. Sigh. I always knew I wasn't very smart academically but it still sucks to have it proved for you.

83% on my sociology exam. Better than most people--some got 30s or 40s which is just sad cause some of those questions were a joke--but not as well as I'd hoped. Still, I'll take it over the majority. I'll have to learn how to study* and at least I know what to expect later.

*I never studied anything in school before. Never had to. Pulled all As/Bs (with a C in science always) without it. But I went to Stupid School, ugh. So this study thing is weird. I feel like it doesn't help because I know the answers to most of the stuff but when it comes to the test I'm like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AHHH WHERE AM I.

Tomorrow I have to buckle down and study French like a champ because I don't have a choice. No really. I can't afford to fail that class. And the teacher is so nice and fun I don't want to humiliate myself by failing. FFS, half the people in there can't pronounce the words properly and I DON'T HAVE TEETH AND I CAN SAY THEM RIGHT but still. I feel so stupid.

It also doesn't help that I feel old as hell standing next to these kids who are still blathering on and on about their frat parties and shit.

I'm just glad I don't have to take any art classes. I THINK I WOULD RATHER DIE.

tl;dr, college is scary and overwhelming and I don't know why these other kids are so nonchalant about it. also they get better grades than me and half of them aren't trying this isn't fair sob sob cry cry whine whine.

15 June 2012 @ 05:33 pm
Like I told Julie the other day, I feel bad for complaining about this job, because all things considered? It's easy. (And Julie said easy =/= good. Which is true.)

But here's why I hate my job.

I can't stand losing. I can't STAND being bad at something. There's a reason I dropped writing as a "someday professional" option, and why I dropped art long ago as something I'd do seriously. Why? I AM NOT THAT GOOD AT THEM.

But this job is special.

You know, I get the usual anxiety when it comes to phone calls. I hate making calls. I hate taking them. When my own phone rings, I fight with myself to answer it.

So when you do consumer service and you have that phone anxiety, then when you're busy and you know that as soon as you're done with this call, there will be another waiting, it ups the anxiety. So you feel stressed out nonstop.

And not only do you deal with that, you have to deal with the actual people calling in. Maybe they'll be nice, but that doesn't really do much to ease the anxiety, because this is your job and you can't screw it up. And calls are recorded. And you get audited.

And maybe they'll be an asshole, they'll tell you to fuck off, make fun of your name (if they can even remember it), they'll yell at you for not apologizing the product didn't work for them, they'll yell at you if you do, "I don't want apologies", "Customer service is shitty, they didn't even apologize!"

So basically


BECAUSE YOU CANNOT WIN. You can never win.

I got audited today. I take a 2min call. I code one issue in the case for what to recommend. My audit says I should have coded an issue for all of the (unsolicited) advice I gave the guy who called. We were told to code the questions the consumer asks, not information that we volunteer. So fine. Make me code those issues. My internet is slow so it'll take me four minutes to code the 7 issues. That means the call is long over and I'm either a.) on the next call, or b.) I'm sitting in After Call. After Call should be < 30 seconds. I get complained at if it's longer.

And on top of that, the supervisors complained at us all because our email reminder service is shitty. Well, I did not take this job and agree to be a salesman. That is not what I signed up to do. Asking people if they want to sign up for a free email service is too close to "selling", because a.) most people think you're soliciting for their email to use it for Evil, and b.) it irritates a lot of people when you hold them up for SOMETHING THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT.

Anyway, I hate not winning. I hate not FEELING like a winner. Sure, we all feel shitty some of the time. But I can't STAND feeling bad about the work I do. I was EXCELLENT at Honda building cars. I was AMAZING at that type of work. Not only could I pick up on a brand-new job in less than 2 hours, I'd be better at it than half of the people who had been doing the same job for months and months.

I am TERRIBLE at this line of work.

I was better at making sandwiches than this, and that's just pathetic. I ENJOYED making sandwiches more than this. I would rather give my house a thorough cleaning that do this job.


Anyway, I have my math placement test for le college on the 25th. And I have a hearing for worker's comp (regarding my % of disability). I knew the 2nd person I had would say I was disabled, she did actual tests. The first guy just stared at my arms. Sorry bro, you can't see through them. My wrists and fingers hurt so bad YOU HAVE NO IDEA and no way can he tell by looking at them.

Why? I have skinny wrists and thin fingers. When they swell up nobody even notices. But I do. Because I can't get my damn ring off.

But whatever, I knew he and the nicer lady would disagree, resulting in a court hearing. -_- Yay. I will take a tiny purse with me.