26 November 2012 @ 06:31 am
That was seriously the worst night of sleep I've had in a while.

Granted, I did get my paper half-assed in rough draft form, but it took until 2am. I am officially an idiot.

As it stands, tonight and tomorrow I need to finish my paper on domestic violence, and then finish my paper on the film Glory. Unfortunately, since I never shut up, finishing a paper on anything is almost as hard as starting a paper.

I have this problem where I have to write things in order. If I skip something I can't write anything after the skipped portion. I have to write brief summaries of the rest of the paper. So then I'm left with this incomplete piece of crap until I figure out the exact phrasing I want for one stupid sentence that probably doesn't even matter in the first place.

Because here's the thing: I can't BS a paper.

I used to think I could. I thought, oh hey, this will be easy. And my brother, Doyle, has always BS'd papers last-second and gotten solid good grades on them because he's great at BSing complete thoughts.

Unfortunately my fanfiction encompasses my writing style perfectly: I struggle to start a story, I can't ever end it properly, and the in-between is generally a muddle of confusion and semi-coherent bullshit.

Which is okay. For a hobby like writing fanfiction. Granted, it's not the greatest thing ever. But it's not too bad. It could be worse. I can bullshit history papers like nobody's business, too. But when it comes to these English papers--or really important papers like the one about domestic violence...I find that I sort of freeze up.

Partly because I want the paper to be perfect because I want to get an A because I need to feel smart (or something). And partly because the topic is one that really matters to me.

For history we have to write an argument about Jeanne d'Arc. Is she crazy or totally sane? Can we even tell? Easy piece of cake. I could argue either way, but I don't think she was crazy and here's why, PS SHE WAS AWESOME.

But for Glory. I mean. It's such a great movie. I feel my evaluation needs to show this. I need to stop summarizing. I need to be very direct. But it's hard because deep down inside I want to just shake my "audience" and be like WATCH THIS SHIT HERE'S WHY OH WAIT THE REASON IS THE ENTIRE MOVIE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT.

And for domestic violence it's like. Different. This stuff is super important and HERE IS WHY. ALSO LET ME INCLUDE AWKWARD DEFINITIONS OF SHIT BECAUSE I HAVE TO. AND LET ME TELL YOU ALSO WHAT I LEARNED IN THIS PAPER...BECAUSE I HAVE TO. And I know the paper by itself is shitty, but I filled all the requirements, BUT IT'S SUCH A BAD PAPER. Also I'm tired of writing about this topic why do we have to keep writing about the SAME TOPIC.

Cough. Anyway, the lamentations of a whiny college student, woo. I am glad to be in college, though. You have no idea. Well. Maybe some of you do.

Off for my 11-hour day of class with only 4 hours of restless sleep. I got this.